Posts Tagged ‘late nights’

“I can’t go back to yesterday…”

“I can’t go back to yesterday – because I was a different person then.” – Lewis Carroll

Lately, I’ve felt this need to write again.

Weird, I know, considering that almost all I do these days is write — recipes, articles, updates, newsletters, tweets, reviews — but none of it is really, well, personal. I don’t know if this is for me, or for you, but I have this great desire to share how I feel and what I think about things lately. Everything.

I’ve been thinking about the past a lot lately. My last posts here, last year, the last few months. It has been a whirlwind of weird, to be quite honest. New job, new friends, new car, new camera – so much has changed, and yet so much has changed the same.

In the movie script that is my life, a new chapter has certainly begun. A new cast of characters, a new set of props; a new perspective and paradigm, new challenges for this heroine to meet (and conquer?) Everything feels different — in a good way.

Two years ago I was just starting my senior year of college. Feels like last week, sometimes, and eons ago at others. I remember all of my classes, walking around campus, parties I went to, places I visited, photographs I took. At the same time, there is a sort of detachment — was that really me?

Last year I was waiting. Waiting for someone to come home, waiting for things at work to calm down, waiting for something to change, waiting. I was lost in post-grad limbo, both immobilized and invigorated by the realization that school was over. It was fall, and I didn’t have textbooks to buy, stationery to moon over, syllabi to memorize, term papers itching to be planned, researched, written. I went to work, I came home. Life was blissfully monotonous, until it was horrendously monotonous. So I changed it.

Eight months ago I got another job. Writing. About food. I remember the job description read like my wildest dream had crash landed in my backyard. An unpaid, temporary position with a relatively new company, doing something I had never really done before but knew instantly I would love. And I did. I do. My personal life closely resembled a post-apocalyptic wasteland, but so what? Shit happens. I was finally doing something with my life, going somewhere, making plans, really and truly thinking about my future. And I got kittens. Two tiny, fuzzy, loving creatures to satiate my raging desire for something small to take care of and hit the snooze button on my biological clock.

Six months ago everything started. I went in for a FNA – fine needle aspiration, a type of biopsy. I laid back and let someone stab my neck a kabillion (okay, 6) times with a ginormous (no, really) needle. It was terrifying. It didn’t hurt, not really, but it was creepy as all get out. Work was getting better, I was seeing more of my family, meeting some new people, looking at cars and apartments.

Five and a half months ago everything started to shift and slide and change. I was diagnosed with cancer. I was in a new relationship. I didn’t know what to do. So I bought a car. 1 fast, red car, 2 doors, 3 series, 4 months of searching, 5 gears, 6 cylinders, 7 CD changer (don’t ask), 8 wheels (winter and summer, thanks for asking), 9 poorly wired lights, 10 hours to learn how to drive it. It was glorious.

Five months ago I was in the hospital. Five long hours, four surgeons, three days, two nights, one complication. I was terrified of the surgery, that the tests would come back wrong and I would have to wait six months and do it all over again. Scared that this was the beginning, not the end. But you know what I remember most? Everyone who visited. Who took time out of their day to stop by and smile at me and make me feel like I wasn’t alone, marooned on a sterile, cotton-covered island connected to monitors a world a way. It’s funny, the people who cared the most and made it a priority to stop by were the last people I would have expected — but the few who I had been sure would come visit, who would sit with me and make me laugh (although it hurt) were no where to be found. Except one. One person who changed the whole game, who was there when it really mattered, who meant so much when everything seemed to matter so little. Thank you.

Four months ago I went back to work. It was anticlimactic at best. I decided to go grad school. I met new people, forged new bonds, and for once, couldn’t care less.

Three months ago I was radioactive. Really! I was the Girl in the Bubble for a week, tucked away in a far away corner, behind a door at the end of the hall.

Two months ago I thought it was over. Life as I knew came to a crashing, horrifying halt. I couldn’t taste. First, salty. Then sweet. Then umami. I still had hints of bitterness and sourness, but hardly. I cried. I cried more over this side effect of the radiation that I did over my diagnosis. Food is my world — my job, my hobby, my art, a basic requirement for survival. I stopped eating. It was an awful chore – everything tasted the same, the only thing that mattered was texture — and let me tell you, without flavor, some foods feel revolting.

Last month everything finally seemed to sort itself out. My taste came back, slowly. I let go of a lot of things and I invested myself in others. I noticed a change. In myself, in my world, in my thought process, my priorities, my tolerance. I didn’t sweat the small stuff so much. I took on new responsibilities, I advocated change, I sought progress, I threw down the gauntlet. Change was coming, so get ready.

And now, here I am. Content. My personal life resembles a wetland rehabilitation project, but I’m okay with that. I have other things to focus on, enough demands on my time, and just the right amount of excitement to keep things interesting.

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2 AM and I’m still awake,

…but not writing a song.

Anyway, I slept in until noon today (!!) puttered around, hung out with a friend before she disappeared back to school in the middle of nowhere (aka rural Ohio)… Came home, did some paperwork, helped the bf with his transcript, etc. Late late late night, kind of ready to start the week and go back to school… is that weird?

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Finished my paper at 7:40 this morning, left for physical therapy at 7:45, came home and did a little bit of proofreading before heading up to school for my Rome interview at noon… Came home, slept for an hour and a half, went to lecture, turned in my paper and breathed a deep, shaky sigh of relief. I made it until 9 PM so I feel like I owe it to myself to pass out, seeing as my eyes won’t uncross… Man, I feel old all of a sudden… Good night.

Oh, the photo? One of the lanterns outside Suzzallo Library.

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I want to stay eighteen forever

Oh jeeze. Didn’t get to sleep until close to 6 this morning… slept in until (wait for it… wait for it…) 12:30. I know, I don’t do that – but I haven’t really slept in about two weeks – I deserve it. Let’s just face it, my sleep cycle will never be the same again. Oops.

Woke up, scurried up to the bookstore and bought the latest edition of the Time Traveller’s Wife and started reading it on a bench at Slater, overlooking the water. It’s amazing. I’m only through page 76 as I write this, and I’ve already been brought to tears and audible laughter. Go read it, right now. I’ve heard mixed reviews about the movie (which is why I’m reading the book first) but we’ll see — 460 pages to go vs. my adoration of Rachel McAdams.. hmmm…

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Okay, not really. Another amazingly long day – I’m fantastically impressed with myself that I was able to stay awake through all of it! Another post-midnight picture, but come on – it’s DICK’S.

Didn’t get to bed until after 4 AM (Amazing Grace was excellent) and had to be up at 9 to get ready to go to a traditional latin Mass in Ballard… I was supposed to work from 8-2:30 but in the interest of ‘advancing my religious education’ I was able to switch with someone closing. Anyway, home by 2 – work from 3:15 – 9:15 — it went amazingly fast because I have THE best coworkers ever. Ever. Usually it takes until 9:45 or 10 but we were done in a flash.

Picked up from work, went to see the movie Adam at the Egyptian (one of my favorite Landmark Theaters) and it was amazing. I’ll be perfectly honest, I was totally skeptical — it looked like a depressing mess — but it was cute and sad and funny and sweet. Highly recommended.

Hung out for an hour after the movie ended at 12:30, being sketchy on the corner of Broadway and Pine. Yuck. Creepy hustling junkies -way uncool, but the White Knight was as yet unfazed. Went to Dick’s, loaded up on salty, greasy, awful, amazing fries and their omgtakemenow chocolate shakes. Mmmmm. Home before 2, and this is where I fall asleep…

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Quick, the draw bridge!

Long day. Up too late again; went to work from 8-2:30 – came home, cleaned up, got ready and went to my first Dominican Mass up in the District. Came home, about to watch Amazing Grace : the story of 18th C English abolitionist William Wilberforce and his fight to end the slave trade. We’ll see…

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Today was SUCH a long day… stayed up until 2 working on a reading assignment / watching some really, really cheesy Freddie Prinze Jr movie, woke up late, couldn’t find anything to wear, finally left the house at 10:20 for my 10:50 class, leaving me 20 minutes to get across the bridge, through downtown, up to the U-district, down Montlake and parked – oy! The best part is that I made it to the class room by 10:52 and our prof was ten minutes late. Small favors, right?

Anyway, classes, classes, classes – 3.8 on a paper in a class I thought I was failing (yay!!) then coffee with a friend, then home in time for a Blue Planet marathon. I sliced open my mail-in ballot info and found THIS. Seriously, wtf? I almost wanted to write-in Batman just to keep up with the silliness. What the eff?

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wait, what?

um. yeah. I don’t really know what to say. Part of me wanted to get in my car that minute, and then the rational part of me (which totally won, thank god) said “HELLO? What the hell are you thinking? Oh wait, you’re obviously not.” I wish I had a good story to share, but unfortunately I decided to be a responsible adult :/ Lame, right?

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(that’s my braindead noise) and yes, it’s 5 am and I just finished my paper. UGH.

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